Coffee With … Walleroo

Among the readers and commenters of Baristanet stands a unique specimen. He talks our talk, but he does not exactly walk our walk. Metternicht Von Klink Walleroo, a world renowned brain surgeon, is known to many of us in Baristaville as simply “Walleroo.” I had the pleasure of talking with the cerebral marsupial about many important topics, like dinner with Steven Plofker and which commenters he thinks would be “voted off the island.”

According to your Facebook profile, your full name is Metternicht Von Klink Walleroo and you are from Hungary. How does a wallaroo, with what I assume is a German Austrian name, end up in Montclair, New Jersey? Tell us about yourself.

Really, I have a Facebook account? That was probably set up by Inga, my laboratory assistant. I should check it out. I have no idea where I came from. One of the drawbacks of being reconstituted atom by atom, a procedure I underwent over the winter, is that you tend to lose some memories. Most of what I know of my childhood comes from scrapbooks and stuff I find in the attic. For instance, I recently came across a baseball signed by Yogi Berra, which means I was a Yankees fan in the 50s. Or perhaps I just plunked down 85 bucks at the museum.

I’ve never encountered any marsupials in person, so I do not know much about your kind. What difficulties have you encountered while living in Montclair amongst us charming humans?

We are somewhat shy and suspicious of humans. The deer, though, have been very friendly.

What do you do for fun in “Baristaville” – when you’re not working in the lab with Inga or showing off your pink shirt on Baristanet that is…

Oh, you know, the same kind of things everybody does around here. I like to sleep all day and chew on gardens plants at night. Get into the garbage. Make a ruckus. Set off car alarms. Like everybody else in town, my favorite restaurant is Raymond’s. They always leave the dumpster top slightly ajar.

If you could have dinner with any Montclair public figure, who would you choose and what would you want to talk about?

Jenn, I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less. On second thought, it might be fun to get Steven Plofker and Stephen Colbert around the same table. I wonder who would pick up the tab?

If you and the rest of the commenters were on Survivor, who would be the first to be voted off the island? Who would win?

First thing I would do is vote myself off the island, so I wouldn’t have to participate. But I think it would be hard to get off, because there’d be a rush to the door. I’m sure cathar has no interest in winning a popularity contest, nor do croi and ROC and herb. Kit and deadeye would probably annihilate one another like matter and anti-matter. I can’t imagine DagT could care less. Even good natured Tudlow has shown signs of grumpiness lately. Kindly Kay has her peeves. It would probably come down to Mellon and Conan. The rest of us are misfits, more Gilligan’s Island than Survivor.

As a regular on Baristanet, do you have any advice for new commenters? Are there any unwritten rules or any sort of hazing process?

I am most certainly not a regular on Baristanet. More like an irregular, as in outdated merchandise, discontinued color or style. My advice to any newcomers is: run like hell, and don’t look back. It can happen to you, too, kids. I’m not aware of any rules, just a wish: that posters are decent and respectful, and forgiving of the trespasses of others (myself included).

Do you have any closing words for our readers, or perhaps some wisdom to impart upon the youth of America?

Wisdom? Buy low, sell high. Property is theft. Remember the neediest. Life is a dance we do. Have I forgotten anything?